Sample: ESL Editing, Chinese Student

This was for a student’s high school entry essays. Permission given. As with all jobs like this, I purposely left some of the student’s errors in. I also gave her extensive notes on how to write better.

  • Imagine there is a door in front of you. Tell us where does it lead to. What will happen when you get to the other side, and what will you do?(Maximum 150 words)

I am standing by the half-open door, but I can see the scenery inside.  Inside is a brand new world on the other side of the door.  I can receive a better education, accept different things, and experience different cultures.  Challenge and accept new things.  Just like my future suddenly turns on like a light, now is not just my town, but a place where I can live in the world.  Enter the world, stand on a new stage, stand on a higher starting point.  From here I will go back to where I started.  I went out to come back and come back to make changes to help people like me go outside.  Therefore, we can live in a diversified world with our mission to achieve better change.

  • Imagine there is a door in front of you. Tell us where does it lead to. What will happen when you get to the other side, and what will you do?(Maximum 150 words)

My edit:

I am standing by a half-open door. I can peek inside. There is a brand-new world on the other side. I can receive a better education, benefit from new perspectives, and experience different cultures. As though my future has suddenly been lit by a million lamps, I can now see not just my small town, but a bigger world. One with a place to welcome me, where I canlook around with a better view.

After visiting this new place, and enjoying all its opportunities, I’ll go home. I left, and then returned to make a change. To help others like me start off on their own journeys. In this way, I can bring diversity to the world, by taking my experience back home, after giving the world a taste of the experience of my people, in order to create a better understanding for us all.

  • Tell us a personal story when you questioned or challenged a belief or an idea and how does it shape you as a person.(Maximum 150 words)

(268 words. Would be rejected by school.)

Do you want to join the basketball school team?  The coach of the basketball school team asked me,that my dream of more than three months has finally come true. I was so excited that I couldn’t speak, so I nodded.  Looking back on these three months,I watched the basketball school teammates practice enviously every day, and thought about how I could improve my skills so that the coach could recruit me into the basketball school team,  Because I am the only girl among more than 200 boys in the basketball club.  Every day, I try to imitate the basketball team’s classmates practicing. When others practice, I also practice.  When others practice fake moves, I am also imitating and I want to improve my skills.  On basketball school team,the coach is very concerned about me. Boys don’t use words to attack me, but they only call me ‘girl’.  After the epidemic ended, I wanted to stay on the basketball school team, and another girl with high skills who also wanted to join, but the coach told us clearly that because there is no junior high school girl basketball game in Liuyang, girls will not be recruited. So I started to switch careers. I was transferred to the track and field team through my first place in the 1500 meters in the school sports race. Now I am sticking to sports in a different way, but I will continue to stick to basketball and hope to change the image girls of my class cannot have the same opportunity to receive ball education as boys.

  • My edit:

(149 words, was accepted by school)                                                             

For three months,I enviously watched the basketball team’s daily practice, hoping the coach would recruit me, especially because I was the only girl among more than 200 boys in the basketball club. Every day, I imitated the basketball team’s play, mirroring their moves.  Eventually, I made the team! Coach had noticed my skill.

The boys didn’t respect me. They just called me ‘girl’. After the epidemic ended, I wanted to stay on the team, but the coach told us that because there was no junior high girl basketball in Liuyang, girls would not be recruited. So I switched paths. I transferred to Track and Field after making first place in the 1500 meters race.

But I’m continuing to pursuebasketball today, in hopes of making a change. In hopes of changing the fact that that here, girls don’t have the same basketball education opportunity as the boys.

Author: howiabandoned

Freelance writer and editor at your service. Click on "portfolio" on the main menu to see publications I've written and edited for. Also the whole site is full of articles I've written or edited. Email me at jasonedharrington@gmail.com for the fastest response, and especially if you'd like to hire me for a longer term project. Twitter: https://twitter.com/jas0nharringt0n?lang=es

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